


You Know Why

by reignsromans



Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018)
Genre: F/F, Feelings, basically wishful thinking tbh, eve chose villanelle and no one can convince me otherwise, rating for chap2, soft, the bridge scene destroyed me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:35:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24741658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reignsromans/pseuds/reignsromans
Summary: No matter how much she wanted their story to continue, too much damage had been done. She had to let Eve go. Free her.
Relationships: Eve Polastri/Villanelle | Oksana Astankova
Comments: 32
Kudos: 270





	1. one last ditch, a new beginning

"Don't turn. Just walk."

It took everything inside Villanelle to start moving forwards, to force her feet to keep going while she tried to ignore the unfamiliar ache that had settled in her chest and the annoying pricking in her eyes. She'd always found heartbreak to be a fairly stupid concept, something exaggerated and unrealistic made up by people too dramatic to properly deal with their own feelings, but in that moment it seemed to make sense. It was a weight, an emptiness like nothing she'd ever felt before and she hated it, but still she kept going. For Eve. Always for Eve. 

She'd already learned how to live without Eve once, but things were different now. _Villanelle_ was different now, though she didn't fully understand how. The rejection she'd faced in Rome had hurt, pulling the trigger had hurt in a way too, but it had also provided a twisted form of closure: she couldn't have Eve, so made sure no one could. Done. Everything that had come after that had been about returning her life to the way it was before the hospital bathroom, and it had been successful right up until the moment Konstantin had opened his big mouth and told her Eve was still alive. Fucking Konstantin. The man could be both a blessing and a curse. 

She'd learned to live without Eve once, but could she do it again? It would be a lot harder than last time without the finality of death to help her along. Harder with all these...new feelings she was becoming less able to ignore. Harder now that she no longer wanted the life she used to lead and couldn't use getting it back on track as a distraction. 

_"Help me. Help me make it stop."_

The words echoed in Villanelle's head as she continued to walk forwards. They'd been a turning point, had brought Villanelle crashing and made her see things with a clarity that could only be described as painful. No matter how much she wanted their story to continue, too much damage had been done. She had to let Eve go. Free her. 

Almost at the other end of the bridge now, she stopped. Took a second to breathe. Turned around.

She was always going to turn around.

What she expected was to catch a final glimpse of that amazing mass of hair; it would be fitting to end their journey with the very thing that had started it. Poetic, even. Nothing could have prepared her for what she got - the sight of Eve facing her from the other side of the bridge. Looking back at her in spite of everything. The small ghost of a smile twitched across Villanelle's face as she put it down to nothing more than Eve's curiosity and aversion to following orders. But then Eve started moving towards her. 

Eve was coming back. 

It took several seconds for Villanelle to register that she had started moving again too, feeling almost as if she had left her body as Eve got closer and closer until suddenly Eve's cold hands were on her face and their lips were pressed together and _holy shit had she forgotten how to breathe?_

"You were going to let me go." Came Eve's voice a moment later, soft and slightly breathless as she dropped one of her hands down and allowed the thumb of the other to gently stroke Villanelle's cheek. 

All Villanelle could do was nod in response, too overwhelmed by the complete flip in her emotions to trust herself to form actual words just yet (and wasn't _that_ a first, from the woman who seemed to have something to say about everything). 

"Why?"

"You know why." 

And she did. It had been written all over Villanelle's face during the time they'd shared together that day, shining through in her eyes and her actions, in how she'd been willing to give up the only thing she'd truly given a crap about in far too long for the sake of Eve's well-being. For the sake of helping her. 

"I do." Eve smiled, small but sincere, and her thumb stroked over the smooth cheek underneath it once more before she returned that hand to her side too. "And I don't want you to let me go." 

"What do you want?" It came out just above a whisper and _god_ it was such a loaded question, one that had her feeling like her entire future rested upon the shoulders of words that had yet to be spoken, made the crisp night air get stuck in her lungs. 

"You." 

And Villanelle could have sworn she was in some kind of parallel universe or had been shot and was high in a hospital somewhere hallucinating the whole thing, because anything seemed more plausible than this. Eve accepted her as she was now, that much had been made clear back in the ballroom and when speaking of their monsters only minutes earlier, but the fact that she actually _wanted_ her, too? It was more than Villanelle had ever dared to hope for. 

"Look, I...I don't know _how_ we can work, I literally have no idea. All I know is you're pretty much all I have left and that scares the actual shit out of me but also kind of doesn't? Because I was more scared by the idea of never seeing you again so I just, I-" Eve paused, suddenly thrown off. "Why are you smiling like that?" 

"You're cute when you ramble." Villanelle stated with a shrug, still smiling while her heart hammered away in her chest. "And you're saying nice things. Why wouldn't I smile?" 

The older woman shook her head fondly, a smile of her own tugging at her lips. "Thank you? I've lost my train of thought now though." 

"Sorry." Realizing now would probably be a good time to give a more substantial response, Villanelle took a breath and stepped a little closer, tentatively taking Eve's left hand in her right and giving it a squeeze. "Maybe we should... _be_ for a bit? Spend a little time together without attempting to take each others lives. See what happens." 

The suggestion was met with a laugh from Eve. "I'd like that." 

"Me too." Villanelle tilted her head, still smiling. "What happens now?" 

"I uh, don't know." Eve chuckled nervously. "I've never chased after someone on a bridge then blurted my feelings before. Didn't really plan anything beyond that." 

A grin spread across the blonde's face. "Okay. So, dinner?" 

"God, yes, I'm starving." 

"In or out?" 

Eve ran a hand through her hair while she considered the question. "In, I don't feel like dealing with other people. Unless you prefer out?" 

Villanelle shook her head. "Come back with me? My hotel has good room service and I can get you a room of your own if you don't want to move much after. You're probably tired." 

"It's a plan." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I physically could not stop myself writing something after the bridge scene bc come on, it was fucking incredible and we all know we cried like babies
> 
> idk where this is going but I guess we'll find out. next chapter will be longer tho. thanks so much for reading!!


	2. so take this heart, put yourself in it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm done running from us as if it's going to help when all it does is make things a hundred fucking times harder."

_It had taken all of 5 steps for Eve to regret not putting up a fight. Not saying_ more _when there was still so much left inside of her. She had understood, of course, what Villanelle was doing; that she was being offered an out, clean-cut and quick. Part of her had even believed it was what she wanted._

_It had taken 5 more steps for her to realize that it wasn't what she wanted at all. What she wanted was behind her, getting further and further away and fuck, it couldn't end like this._ They _couldn't end like this. She'd been wrong about so many things and in that moment all she had needed was to tell Villanelle that. To kiss her and hold her and make her feel even a fraction of the love that had just been shown._

_So she'd turned, wishing with every ounce of her being that it wasn't over, that the distant yellow figure she was staring at would choose her too._

_Her wish had come true and she'd known there could be no wasting her chance. Not this time._

_This had to count._

_\----------_

"Are we...you know, safe here?" Eve asked as Villanelle slipped her key-card into the slot and let them into her room. 

"Of course." Villanelle replied, holding the door open for Eve to enter first then closing it behind them before flicking a light on. "I think we are the least of anyone's worries right now." 

Eve just nodded, taking in the new surroundings. It was a lot cozier than she'd expected, being used to the extravagance that the assassin liked to surround herself with, but still definitely on the high end of the 'niceness' scale; warm tones, wooden accents and a queen size bed that looked like you could die on it without a single regret. Plus a glimpse of a _very_ spacious en suite bathroom. "Good. That's good for now." 

Villanelle watched her for a moment before ridding herself of her coat and laying it over a small desk in the corner. "Yes. I will be alert but I doubt anyone will try anything tonight. Carolyn should have provided enough of a distraction."

"Great." Eve removed her own jacket and left it in the same spot, offering a small but unconvincing smile afterwards. Her mind was already racing with imagining the worst and her expression did nothing to hide that fact. 

"I don't want you to worry, okay?" Came Villanelle's voice from in front of her, soft but sure; fuelled by the sudden overwhelming need to offer some form of comfort, to kill the twinge in her chest at seeing Eve struggle. "I can't promise nothing will happen, but I will try my best to keep you safe. And if you change your mind about this...I will make sure you get home." Her voice became even softer, even more vulnerable. "I will still let you go if you decide it's what you want." 

"No." Eve replied immediately, looking up to meet hazel eyes. "I told you, I don't want you to. Whatever happens next...it'll just fucking _happen_. I'm done running from us as if it's going to help when all it does is make things a hundred fucking times harder."

Villanelle simply stared, a smile twitching at the corner of her mouth. "It does make things harder, I'm glad you finally noticed."

Eve rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I'm slow, whatever." 

"You took the time you needed." Villanelle shrugged. "We are all different. And we will have to discuss all that...work stuff. But not tonight. There will be time to plan and be scared tomorrow." 

"I...thank you."

"Now, make yourself comfortable while I go see if those annoying tourists are finished talking to the receptionist yet. I will try to get you the room next door." 

"Would you mind if I stayed here instead?" Eve chewed at her bottom lip nervously. "I kinda don't want to be alone." 

Villanelle's face lit up at the question. "Eve, I've been trying to get you in my bed for _ages_. Unless you have another knife hidden somewhere, I don't mind at all." 

Eve tried for a glare, failed, and ended up laughing instead. "Asshole." 

"Don't worry, I am a gentlewoman. I will keep to my side unless told otherwise." Villanelle winked and headed towards the other side of the room, where her suitcase was sat open under the window. "Grab a shower before dinner if you want. I'll find you some pyjamas."

\----------

About an hour and a half, a shower each and a lot of food later, the two were slouched up against the several extra pillows Villanelle had charmed a concierge into bringing them, PJs on and watching reruns of _Friends_ on the massive TV in front of the bed (the Russian was secretly sure it would become her favourite simply because of how damn hard it made Eve laugh). 

They'd chatted about the most random things, joked and bickered and shared interests and Eve couldn't help but think about how _easy_ it was between them. The bridge had changed so much, flung them past the point of no return, and although she was absolutely terrified of what could happen with The Twelve, she found a much-needed calm in Villanelle's presence. In knowing that whatever came next, they had chosen each other. It was enough for right now.

"I was scared too." Villanelle suddenly said quietly, breaking the silence they'd settled into. "By the idea of not seeing you again." 

"You...really?" Eve asked, the surprise evident both in her tone and on her face as she turned to look at the woman next to her. 

"Mhm." Villanelle hummed, glancing over for a split second before returning her eyes to the TV screen. It was easier to get words out that way. "I wanted you to know that. And if I try to see my future, I see your face, too." 

"It's a very beautiful face." Replied Eve, barely holding back a smirk when Villanelle turned and gaped at her in mock offense. 

"Eve! It is rude to throw people's words back at them!" 

"Oh and you're a fine person to give lessons on what's rude and what isn't." 

"I have excellent manners." Argued Villanelle. "I invited you for dinner, gave you my favourite pyjama pants to wear, let you choose what we watch _and_ let you shower first. You could not ask for better." 

Chuckling, Eve held her hands up in surrender. "Okay, okay, you win. You've been perfect and I'm very grateful." 

"Exactly." A flash of smugness crossed Villanelle's features and she let a moment pass before speaking again. "But you didn't lie, you are beautiful. It makes me wonder how it is that I've managed to resist kissing you all this time when you've kissed me twice now." 

"Oh, uh-" _Fuck._

"Some might say I owe you." 

"Some might." Eve swallowed, her heart rate picking up dramatically at the sudden change in energy. 

Villanelle leaned closer, shifting onto her side and propping herself up on her elbow. "Do you think I owe you, Eve?" 

"Yes."

There was no need to be told twice. Villanelle closed the distance between them, spare hand coming up to rest on Eve's hip as their lips met in a soft kiss. "For the bus." She whispered before capturing Eve's lips again, slightly firmer this time; lingering until they had to pull apart to breathe. "And for the bridge." 

They remained close and a content little sigh left Villanelle, the sound turning Eve's insides to mush. It was a gentleness she'd never imagined coming from the assassin and it caught her completely off guard. She swallowed again, trying to find her voice. "Guess we're even now." 

"Yeah..." Villanelle trailed off, lost in a moment of her own as she looked down at Eve's face. "I feel like I've wanted you forever." She murmured. 

"You have me." 

"Promise?" 

It was almost too much for Eve, a parallel that sent her right back to Paris. To the way she'd given more importance to proving a point than to her own desires, to how she'd almost killed the same person that had, in many ways, brought her back to life. She looked up into Villanelle's eyes, running a hand up over the other woman's arm before gently cupping her cheek. "Promise."

Villanelle responded by kissing her again, choosing to focus her attention on the warm press of Eve's lips under hers instead of the unnerving fluttering in her stomach, the way she felt like nothing was quite real. Bringing them closer, she traced her tongue across Eve's bottom lip, deepening the kiss when the advance was welcomed.

A small moan caught in the back of Eve's throat as she felt the hand on her hip slip just under the edge of her t-shirt, caressing the bare skin there but not going any further and _god_ she needed it to go further. Every press and slide of Villanelle's lips and tongue against hers was stoking something deep inside her and she was fully prepared to finally give in and allow it to consume her. 

"Can I take this off?" Villanelle tugged at the hem of her shirt. 

Eve nodded immediately, sitting up when the blonde shifted to let her move and yanking it up over her head. It had hardly hit the floor when Villanelle's own shirt landed next to it, closely followed by her shorts. She smirked slightly at Eve, letting her eyes wander over the older woman's bare chest as she laid back down (and really, she'd never been thankful that bras were uncomfortable to sleep in until that moment). 

"You're so fucking gorgeous, Eve." She breathed, almost awestruck as she straddled her waist, gazing down at her and slowly trailing fingertips down bare sides. 

Goosebumps broke out over Eve's skin and her eyes fluttered, a soft moan escaping her when thumbs stroked over her hardening nipples. She slid her hands up Villanelle's smooth thighs, drinking in the sight of her and fucking _hell_ , nothing had ever turned her on more. A thought was even spared for the fact that nothing ever would. "You're unreal, Vil. Fuck." 

Villanelle's hips bucked involuntarily at the words, at the way Eve's voice had dropped, and she leaned down to kiss her again, slow and deep. Arm resting above Eve's head, she shifted to one side and slipped a thigh between her legs, gasping when Eve ground up against it briefly. 

"You're going to be the death of me, Polastri." She murmured, nipping once at her bottom lip before moving to kiss along her jawline, stopping near her ear. "Do you have any idea how much you have ruined me?"

Her accent was thicker, her tone lower and it settled right between Eve's legs, making her groan. "Tell me." 

"I spend so much time thinking about you." More kisses, open-mouthed and down her neck while Villanelle's unoccupied hand traced a path down her stomach. "I still masturbate about you a lot, too." 

A breathless chuckle left Eve's mouth. "You do?" 

"Oh yeah." Villanelle smiled cheekily against her collarbone, hand pulling the drawstring on her pyjama pants undone then sliding under the waistband. 

Eve's breath hitched in her throat at the feeling of Villanelle cupping her through her damp underwear, the touch setting all her nerves alight at once. She exhaled shakily as a finger pressed against her clit and started circling teasingly. "Keep talking." 

After leaving a soft bite where neck meets shoulder, Villanelle obliged. She could never deny Eve anything, especially not now. "I would get so wet wondering how you feel, how you sound, what you taste like..." Her breath ghosted over Eve's skin as she made her way back up to speak lowly in her ear. "Can I taste you, Eve?"

Eve turned her head and crashed their mouths together, hand tangling in Villanelle's hair as she stole the very breath from her. "Yes, fuck. Please." Her voice cracked, wrecked by arousal and it sent Villanelle's head spinning.

She removed her hand from Eve's pants, causing a whine, and made her way slowly down Eve's body, brushing her lips down her stomach before pulling the remaining clothing off and dropping it down with the rest. "Perfect." Whispered almost to herself before she settled between Eve's legs, arms hooking under the other woman's thighs to hold her in place. 

Eve watched from propped up on her elbows, breathing heavily as she felt lips touch the inside of her thigh then moaning loudly at the press of Villanelle's tongue, dragging slowly upwards from her entrance to her clit. 

It took the vibrations from Villanelle moaning against her to send her flat onto her back again, hands flying up to tangle in blonde hair that was still damp from the shower. Villanelle's mouth seemed to be everywhere at once, licking and sucking, expertly taking her apart to the point where she could hardly form a coherent thought. 

More moans and whimpers tumbled from her lips, half sentences and curses and words of praise all jumbling together while the heat deep in her stomach got closer and closer to exploding. " _Jesus_ , Vil, baby...I'm-"

Ignoring the almost unbearable throbbing between her own legs, Villanelle freed an arm and quickly slid two fingers into Eve, instantly curling her fingers and flattening her tongue against Eve's clit. 

Eve's whole body suddenly tensed, fingers gripping the hair under them tightly and an obscene moan leaving her as her orgasm hit her. Hard. Ripping through her mercilessly, wiping everything but pleasure from her brain for a second until she went limp against the mattress, arms by her sides and chest heaving. 

_Jesus fucking christ_.

She was vaguely aware of Villanelle's body leaving her own and a dip in the mattress next to her. A desperate moan and wet sounds followed, and that was enough to force her eyes open and turn her head. The sight she was met with almost had her coming all over again.

Villanelle had two fingers deep inside herself, pumping in and out at a brutal pace. She hadn't even bothered to remove her underwear, already too far gone from feeling Eve come undone against her mouth, from realizing that none of her fantasies ever came even remotely close to the real thing. Her eyes were shut, lips parted with soft whimpers as she pushed herself closer to the edge. 

As hot as it was, it wouldn't do. Eve rolled onto her side and grabbed Villanelle's wrist, stilling her movements and causing her eyes to shoot open. "Let me?"

Villanelle nodded hastily and pulled her hand away, groaning in relief when Eve's fingers took over. "Won't take much. I almost came eating you out." The raspy confession was followed by another moan, louder now as Eve built up to the same brutal pace as before.

"You were so good, baby." Eve shifted a little to get a better angle and let her thumb stroke over Villanelle's clit, feeling her walls start to tighten. "So fucking good." 

"Eve..." Her hips were rocking to meet Eve's thrusts, hand reaching to slide into Eve's curls and guide her so they were face-to-face. "Kiss me. Please."

So Eve did. Firm and purposeful, curling her fingers and pressing her thumb and getting lost in the way Villanelle fell apart; clenching around her, holding their foreheads together and moaning softly into the humid air between them as she tensed then relaxed. 

Eve was entranced, committing every single sound and movement to memory as she slowed the motion of her fingers to a stop, waiting for Villanelle's breathing to return somewhat to normal before removing them and pulling back slightly to suck them clean. 

"Are you trying to get me going again?" Villanelle questioned, looking up at her with eyes that were still blown but calmer now, a smirk twitching at the corner of her mouth.

"Shut up." Eve dipped down to kiss her again before flopping down onto her back. Moments passed. "You know, maybe we should have been doing that this whole time." 

Villanelle laughed. "It wasn't for lack of trying on my part." 

"I know." 

"You probably would have freaked out if we fucked sooner, though." Villanelle stated matter-of-factly. "Had an existential crisis or something." 

"Um, should I be offended?" 

Villanelle laughed again. "No. You were just...different. Still in denial and fighting against this. It might have turned ugly." 

"Uglier than a stab wound and a gunshot?" 

"...good point." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that took a lot longer than intended lmao 
> 
> there's going to be at least one more chapter bc I want them to discuss things that need discussing and who doesn't love deep, late night convos? 
> 
> thank you so much for reading and the kudos/hits/comments so far!! it's been a blast getting back into writing


	3. with heavy hearts and open minds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I was not always sorry, but I am now. I don't want to hurt you. I think you make me want to be better."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: mentions of depression

"Did you ever regret it?" 

It was later now, though neither knew the exact time. Eve had pulled her underwear back on, the TV had been turned off (but only after Villanelle joked about how she'd never gone down on a woman with canned laughter randomly going off in the background before, much to Eve's equal amusement and embarrassment at having got so caught up that she didn't even notice) and the only light in the room was the dim glow from the streetlamps below, filtering through the crack in the curtains. 

Villanelle's fingertips ceased their back and forth trail over the scar on Eve's back and she remained silent, taking in the question. She should have known that drawing attention to the mark would start something, but resisting had proven impossible. There was a morbid curiosity drawing her to it - fascination by how they were both permanently etched into each other and would carry each other around no matter how things played out. 

"Not at first." She answered eventually. "You broke my heart. I thought it was easiest to just end everything, go back to like before you found me."

"Did it work?" 

"Mostly. As long as I was distracted." A sigh, heavy with a truth that she'd spent those days after Rome doing her best to ignore. "It was in moments I was not distracted that I regretted it. I missed you, even when I tried really hard not to. When Konstantin told me you were alive...it was like it was my turn to find you."

Eve inhaled slowly, trying to remain calm in the face of the mess of emotions beginning to bubble around inside her - neglected and not entirely dealt with, pushed to the back time and time again where they had slowly eaten away at her. 

Villanelle let her hand drop to the bed, noticing the way Eve had tensed and deciding it was probably best to give her a little space. She took a breath before continuing, forehead wrinkling in a brief frown at actually _talking_ about things she felt. "I was not always sorry, but I am now. I don't want to hurt you. I think you make me want to be better." 

"Vil..." Eve sighed, softening instantly. It wasn't long ago that she would have questioned such a statement, written it off as another bullshit mind-game, but it felt like they were both past that now and the words hit her hard in their sincerity. "I've been a fucking mess since Rome. Mad at you for everything that happened, all the pain. Mad at myself for not being able to hate you. For the times I missed you." 

She paused, watching the shadows cast on the curtains by a passing cars headlights as her mind flashed back over the past few months. They seemed to blend together in a haze of monotonous days and long, haunting nights - everything tinged with gray and hurt. "It got so...dark. Meaningless. Sometimes I wished I had bled out in those ruins." Her vision blurred slightly as tears began to prick insistently, threatening to spill over. Saying it out loud for the first time somehow made it more real, almost like reliving it. "I _killed_ someone." 

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. The five stages of grief had been neatly lined up waiting for her as soon as she woke up from surgery, ready to come knocking one by one. It had taken her a while to identify them and longer still to recognize exactly what loss she was grieving: that of a piece of herself. The piece that had always _wondered_ if she would be capable of killing but expected to remain blissfully ignorant, far from any situation where an answer would be given. In her darkest moments she had believed that that loss made her just as bad as the people she had made a living chasing.

It had been in the midst of that depression that she had reached out to Kenny - her drunk state knowing nothing of pride and being able to take a vital step towards some form of help. His genuine care and concern had been enough to shove her into action, into finally admitting to herself that she had made her bed and was lying in it. That it was up to her whether she got out of it or not.

"I had these nightmares for a while afterwards so I didn't sleep much. I tried to blame it all on you, but it didn't help. It only stopped once I stopped hiding. I mean, manipulated or not, I did it." Eve sniffed and wiped a couple of tears off her face. Sadness? The relief of finally opening up? Perhaps a bit of both. " _I_ did it."

"You are okay with it?" 

"I've...accepted it. I don't know how to be okay with it yet." How could she, when she could still hear the dull _thwack_ of steel hitting bone, still see the way the blood and brains had splattered and stained, still feel the weight of the axe in her hand as it hit its target?

"What about Dasha?"

"Dasha was...different." Eve took a second as it dawned on her that she'd only actually spared the old hag a thought on the bridge, and a quick one at that. "I was in control of myself, I think? Or at least the part of me that wanted her dead was in control and I let it be." 

It surprised Villanelle to hear the older woman speaking of murder so calmly, to find out that she had managed to reach some degree of acceptance in their time apart. When the topic of Rome had come up she'd more than half expected some kind of meltdown or argument, maybe a few rounds of the blame game to ice the cake. Worse still, maybe even that Eve would walk away, deciding everything that night had been a huge mistake. The contrast between that and what actually happened was staggering. 

"Not to mention the romance of the situation." Her mind flitted back to the bridge and she couldn't help but smile softly to herself before deciding to take advantage of Eve's sharing mood. "So...you really spent all that time being mad?" 

Eve shook her head slightly against the pillow. "Most of the time I just felt empty. That part only went away when I saw you again. On the bus." 

Villanelle frowned. "Then why did you attack me? Seems counterproductive." 

"Did you miss the part about me being mad?" 

A huff. "But then you kissed me? You are very confusing." 

"I've always wanted to kiss you. But you fucking _shot_ me, the urge to punch your dumb face took priority." 

"Hm." A moment of consideration. "Okay, that is fair. But I do not have a dumb face." 

Eve chuckled, turning over onto her other side to face the blonde. "You do. I like it, though. Even though I can only kind of see it right now." 

"I like your face, too." Villanelle winked, reaching over to brush a few curls off of Eve's cheek. 

"I'm sorry I broke your heart."

"It's okay. It feels like you might be fixing it." 

\----------

Maybe they had been inevitable. 

The thought crossed Eve's mind now as she laid staring up at the ceiling (or, rather, the pitch black that was left above her now the streetlamps had gone off), waiting for Villanelle to come out of the bathroom and join her again. She had never bought into the whole fate thing nor anything like it, but the way they'd been drawn to each other was both undeniable and inexplicable. It felt out of her control, as if every choice she'd made along the way had never really been a choice at all. It made her question if all possible paths from the past would have brought them together eventually, one way or another.

_God_ , her brain went to some weird places after a certain time of night. 

Her mindfucking consideration of the workings of the universe was interrupted by the bathroom door opening and moments later, Villanelle was laid back under the covers beside her. 

"Eve?" 

"Yeah?" 

"I found my family." 

"Oh. Wow." _Good job. Very helpful_. Recovering from the shock of the sudden conversation starter, Eve tried again. "How? What happened?"

"Konstantin told me where they were after I did a job for him. I thought they might be happy to see me..." Villanelle trailed off, remembering the baby from Barcelona and how much joy it had brought its relatives when found again. "My brother was, I think. I have a young brother, too. He is weird and obsessed with Elton John, but I liked him. I had fun with them." 

Eve listened intently, still stunned that the younger woman was choosing to share this with her and deciding that simply letting her get it out of her system was probably the best way to go. 

"I thought I had found my home, you know?" She attempted to swallow the stupid lump that had formed in her throat and frowned against the stinging in her eyes. "But my mother told me to leave, that it was not my home. She said I am darkness and would not see that she is too. _W_ _as,_ too. I killed her and set the house on fire, once my brothers were out the way." A tear spilled over and she brushed it away impatiently. "Going there was a bad idea." 

_Well shit_. "I'm so sorry, Vil." Eve said quietly, suddenly acutely aware that she had no idea how to best offer comfort. Physical contact seemed like a bad idea for some reason so she stayed put, ignoring how she wanted to wrap Villanelle up in her arms until she believed that she wasn't darkness, wasn't the monster so many people had labelled her as. "Families can be...hard." 

"Why are you not scared? There should be an Eve-shaped hole in the door right now." 

"I'm not scared because it makes sense." 

"How?" 

"You were rejected by the people we're always told are supposed to accept us. It sounds like it hurt you and you dealt with that hurt the way you know how." 

"That is freaky. You sound like a therapist." 

Eve snorted. "Sorry. I just...want to understand you." 

"If anyone can, it is you."

"Charmer." A beat. "Wait, why did you tell me if you thought I would get scared and run off?" 

Villanelle shrugged. "You told me about you, it made me want to do the same." 

The deeper reason, the _so_ _you had another chance to leave before I get used to having you close_ , went unsaid. Some things are too hard to admit, even under the safety of darkness.

\----------

"Do you like to cuddle?" 

Of _course_ Villanelle was the kind of person to talk right as the brink of sleep hit. If it hadn't been such a randomly cute question, Eve would have pretended she didn't hear it. Maybe even faked a snore to really sell it. "Yeah, sometimes. Why?" 

Villanelle rolled her eyes to herself. "So I can cuddle you, Eve. Why else?" 

"Oh. Then get over here." Eve invited sleepily, face twitching with a fond smile as she felt Villanelle scoot up behind her and an arm wrap around her middle. "Who knew you're such a huge softie."

"Shhh." Villanelle whispered, folding her other arm under her head and nuzzling contentedly into the mane of hair in front of her. "I have a reputation to keep up." 

"Your secret is safe with me." 

The blonde gave a gentle chuckle. "It better be. Are you comfortable?" 

"Mhm, very." As if to prove the point, Eve snuggled further into the body behind her and let her eyes fall shut again. 

"Good." A pause. "I have never really done this before." 

"Seriously?" 

"There was no one I wanted to be this close to." 

For about the dozenth time that night, a swoop fell through Eve's chest and she felt herself melt just a little bit more. She placed a hand over the one on her middle and loosely locked her fingers with the other womans, a silent message that the feeling was mutual. "Sleep well, Vil." 

"Sweet dreams, Eve." 

Snug and at peace, lulled by the steady rise and fall of Villanelle's chest against her back, Eve felt sleep start to pull her back in. As her mind drifted over all that had been said and done, one final thought took root with certainty: 

Inevitable or not, there was nowhere else she'd rather be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp that got a bit angsty lads. obviously if I manage to pull an actual plot out of my ass and make this a whole story then these things will be mentioned more, I don't want to just scoot over them. it's a process and you gotta start somewhere
> 
> now! thank you so so much for the support! I was truly not expecting ppl to comment such sweet things like?? wow?? I am beyond flattered and hope this chapter is well received too


	4. a long term plan with short term fixes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I would do it for you, you know?" 
> 
> "I know you would, that's why I said no."

It had been a while since Eve had gotten a good nights rest. The abundance of late nights and early starts throughout her career had made her very good at functioning on little to no sleep, a useful skill considering lately 'no sleep' was the most common occurrence. It was nice to have a change from that now. 

Nice until a certain someone decided to put an end to it. 

"Eeeve, wake up."

Eve grunted and turned away from the offending noise, desperately clinging to her rapidly fading dream in hopes of picking it back up. Just a few more minutes. Surely she deserved that much.

"I know you can hear me. You have five seconds before I squash you like a pancake." 

A groan this time, followed by a half-hearted attempt at dragging herself further away across the bed. At least there was plenty of it to go for but god, it was so much effort. "Fuck off." 

"Five...four..." 

"I swear I will kill you." 

"You will have to get up first. Three...two..."

Okay, she was stubborn but she really didn't fancy being squished. The whole feeling trapped thing was decidedly not one of her favourites. With a dramatic huff, she rolled onto her back and heaved herself up into a low slouch against the pillows, squinting against the muted light of yet another overcast day. "There! I'm up."

Villanelle smirked triumphantly at her from the edge of the bed, where she had paused her approach when Eve finally stirred enough for her liking. "One second to go, cut it close."

"You were a lot nicer last night." Eve stated grouchily before yawning and running a hand through her hair. Her slightly sleep-blurred gaze wandered over to Villanelle and honestly, it wasn't fair; a messy bun and fluffy white hotel bathrobe shouldn't look _that_ good. It was almost enough to feel like a personal attack. 

"I am still nice. I got us pastries and you some coffee. It is even black because you are American and have no taste."

"...I have taste. Great taste. And I suppose you can be forgiven, then. Maybe."

"Mm, well, you have great taste when it comes to women." Villanelle conceded with a smug smile. "You look really good in the morning, by the way." She added, eyes flitting down to Eve's lips for a few seconds before she got up and headed towards the little table by the window, where she'd set out their breakfast.

The flush that heated up Eve's face at the comment stayed with her as she moved to retrieve her clothing from the floor, but at least it went unseen. Thank god for small mercies.

\----------

"So, Eve," Villanelle began, tone businesslike as she leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs, plate in front of her now empty save for a few flaky crumbs. "I should catch you up a bit because I need to make a move today. How much do you know?" 

Right. Yes. Time to burst the comfortable little bubble they had managed to trap themselves in and face reality again, as hideous as that idea was. A nervousness crept through Eve's body and she took a sip from her mug to calm it. Better to have actual facts before dissolving into a mess. "Uh, I know you were promoted. Not a whole lot else." 

"Then it is story time, the quick version." 

"I'm all ears."

"Dasha showed up at my wedding reception to-"

"At your _what_?!" The question burst out before Eve had a hope of stopping it. So much for all ears. She hadn't even been able to make it sound uninterested and her face really wasn't helping, eyebrows up and eyes wide. 

"Oh, yeah, I got married." Villanelle replied offhandedly, mentally filing away Eve's reaction to have fun with later (and boy did she intend to have fun) and powering on with her story before she could be interrupted again.

"Anyway, I agreed to go back to The Twelve with her if I was made a Keeper, some stuff happened and I met Hélène. She promoted me, or said it was a promotion but sent me to do the same shit as always." She wrinkled her face in distaste for the woman. "The kill was sloppy. It made me see I don't want to do it anymore but she is...manipulative. So I asked for another target to prove myself and went to Scotland with Dasha. You already know what happened there."

She waited for Eve's quick nod of confirmation before continuing. "Fast forward to when our party got crashed. That was Rhian." Another wrinkled face, this one worse. "I think I was supposed to train her but Helene saw my failure and sent her to kill me. I shoved her in front of a train and here we are. The end."

"Nice summary." Eve muttered, hand going to her hair as it always did when she was thinking or processing. "We're gonna come back to the marriage thing, by the way. But for now: Hélène. Do you know how high up she is?" 

Villanelle shrugged. "Not exactly, but I think she was above Dasha." 

"Do you know anything else about her?" 

"She likes to watch me. Kinky, right?" 

A snigger escaped Eve, despite trying to contain it. "Anything _useful_?" 

"She is dangerous, obviously, and it looks like she has given up on keeping me as a weapon now. I think I have turned into a loose end." 

"Great. Perfect." Eve sighed, her nervousness kicking back in with a vengeance. _Focus_. "So what are our options?" 

_Our_ options. It caused a weird warmth to spread through Villanelle's chest and she took a swig of her juice to stall, eyeing Eve over the rim of her glass and trying to read her mood, her body language; _anything_ that might explain why she was not only still there, but taking on Villanelle's problems as her own. "I like 'our'. But this does not have to involve you, okay? There is still time for you to get out." 

Eve let out a frustrated sound, somewhere between a sigh and a groan. "How many times do I have to say 'no'? I'm in this, Villanelle. I made my decision." 

"Just checking." Villanelle replied, giving a half smile to lighten the mood and hide just how baffled she was by said decision. "Options are...either I make nice with Hélène and find a way to be what they want again or we run."

"Looks like we're running then." 

"Trust you to choose the more dangerous one." 

"It's the only one." 

Villanelle raised an eyebrow questioningly, prompting Eve to elaborate. "Look, Vil, I'm not going to ask you to carry on doing something you don't want to just because it'd be safer."

"I would do it for you, you know?" 

"I know you would, that's why I said no." 

They fell into silence, Villanelle withdrawing into her own thoughts and Eve watching her, trying to decipher what was going on but drawing a blank. There was nothing to go off of - Villanelle's face was void of expression, her eyes fixed on the plate in front of her.

"What do you want?" Eve asked eventually, softly. Echoing the question she had been asked the night before.

Villanelle swallowed, pulled back into the present. "I want it to be over. I want out." 

"So we run, like you said."

"Where? Alaska?" Villanelle wiggled her eyebrows then returned to seriousness. "I don't know, Eve. I want...us. But I am starting to think the only way out of The Twelve is death." 

"Jesus." Eve inhaled slowly, mind going a mile a minute and coming up with nothing. "Okay, this is a lot to deal with all at once. Can we, I don't know...go bit by bit? Find step one?" 

"Sure." Villanelle smiled, head tilted slightly. "Step one: we go get your passport and ugly clothes. Sound good?"

Eve laughed, the weight that the conversation had brought down on her lifting for a fraction of a second. "Asshole. Yeah, sounds good." 

\----------

Villanelle drew in a long, deep breath, eyes meeting her own reflection as she stood in front of the bathroom sink. She had excused herself after her and Eve finished off the last of their drinks, claiming that she took a lot longer to get ready (which, to be fair, was no lie) and going to freshen up while Eve turned her phone back on and tried to contact Jamie, having realized her most essential belongings were at his place.

It was good to have a little time alone. It gave her chance to try and make sense of things, to restore some order within her head. It had gotten weirdly muddled and she didn't like it. Too much was of it was new, unfamiliar and hard to manage. 

_"You were going to let me go. Why?"_

_"You know why."_

_"I do."_

No rejection this time. Now Eve knew she loved her, so she must have gotten better at it. Maybe she didn't understand what it meant, but how was anyone supposed to understand it? It was a messy feeling that came out of nowhere and dragged a bunch of other feelings along with it. It made her care and worry and long for things that were far too normal for someone like her to ever be able to have. 

Watching more than her fair share of sappy movies had helped her gather that it was more about showing than saying, but that didn't help an awful lot. Actions can have different meanings, the same way words can, and she still didn't know what Eve's actions were saying. She only knew what she wanted them to be saying. 

Being accepted, being chosen, being wanted...did it all add up to love? 

No less confused than when she had entered the bathroom, she turned the tap on and splashed some water on her face. The chill of it was pleasant, grounding. There would be time to revisit her thoughts later. For the time being, the muddle in her mind had turned into a single question: 

Did Eve love her back?

\----------

"Good news," Eve began as soon as Villanelle emerged. Her hair was now done up in a much neater bun but she was still clad in her robe. "I got through to Jamie, he's gonna bring my stuff to the Bitter Pill office. I said we'd be by soon." 

"We're going to your work?" Villanelle paused her rummaging for an outfit and turned to shoot Eve a grin that practically oozed mischief. "They are so scared of me there. It is hilarious." 

"Oh god, please behave." 

"I make no promises." 

Eve rolled her eyes and grabbed yesterday's outfit from on top of her jacket, making a beeline for the bathroom to get dressed and hopefully find a toothbrush and toothpaste. "Fine, just be ready when I come out." 

"Bossyyyy." Villanelle called after her, loud enough to make it through the now closed door.

She listened, though, and was fully clothed in a casual jean and sweater combo by the time Eve returned. She had even stuffed her bright yellow coat into her suitcase, fully committed to trying not to draw attention to herself for a change. A painful concept, but a necessary one given the situation. 

"Wow, I almost expected to find you naked out of spite." 

"It did cross my mind." 

Eve scoffed and stepped towards her, holding out the t-shirt and pyjama pants she had borrowed, both neatly folded. "Here, thanks. Sorry I can't wash them or anything yet."

"You can have them." Villanelle smiled, eyes soft as she took the garments from Eve's hand and went to put them in her case. "I will just hold onto them for you." 

Eve smiled back, watching her for a moment before snapping into action and giving the room a quick scan to make sure nothing had been forgotten anywhere. "Okay, we're set, we can get a taxi downstairs so you don't have to wheel that thing around." 

"Good, the noise is annoying." 

"And you can tell me about your marriage on the way." Eve added as she picked her jacket up off the desk - the one thing that was left. 

Villanelle only just held back a snort. It was always fun when opportunities presented themselves without her having to search for them. With two quick steps she was right in front of Eve, making her back up a foot or so until she hit the wall. A position that was all two familiar for the two of them. "Are you jealous, Eve?" 

_Oh god_. "No." Eve replied, meeting Villanelle's gaze challengingly in hopes that it would hide how the movement had flustered her. And also the big fat lie she was telling. 

"I don't believe you." 

"That's your problem." 

Not the wittiest of comments, but it was so hard to concentrate with Villanelle close enough to share body heat; surrounded by her stupid perfume and looking at her stupidly perfect face, only inches away from her own. 

Villanelle chuckled softly. "I will tell you about it eventually. For now, you only need to know one thing." 

"Which is?" 

She leaned even closer, hands coming up to rest on Eve's waist and lips hovering so close to Eve's that she could _feel_ the words as they were whispered: "I wasn't with her, when I was with her." 

Eve couldn't find it in her to try to resist. Her lips were against Villanelle's as soon as the words had been registered, first brushing gently then parting slightly to deepen the kiss. It was addicting and intoxicating and felt like it was over far too soon, leaving them with their foreheads pressed together, sharing breaths between them. 

"You're smooth as fuck, but we have to go before I end up dragging you back to bed."

"Mm, I would not need dragging." Villanelle murmured, leaning in for another kiss and whining when Eve ducked away and out of her grip. "Eve, do we _have_ to go?" 

"Yes, it was your idea." 

The response was met with a huff and a pout and Eve laughed, heading for the door and holding it open. "C'mon, move it." 

"You should not tease me." Villanelle grumbled as she stepped back to grab the handle of her suitcase and pulled it behind her, shooting Eve a dirty look on her way out the door and into the hallway.

"Poor baby." Eve gave her a mock pout, earning another dirty look, and slipped her jacket on before taking hold of the door-handle again. She looked back into the room briefly, caught up in just how much had happened in there in such a short time, then pulled the door shut and stood next to Villanelle in the hall.

"You think we'll manage to have more than just one night?"

"I think I will do anything for it." 

Both facing forwards, Eve slowly reached her hand out sideways, searching for Villanelle's and taking it once their fingers brushed.

"Me too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Villanelle is whipped pass it on
> 
> I have...ideas for this but am not sure how to go about them so I wanted this to work as an ending just incase SO thank you so much for reading!! and for the adorable comments!! you guys are the best


End file.
